The dark side of over-emphasizing self-discipline
Many people around me will describe me as “self-disciplined”. For example, every time I go to play tennis, I will lose my name, because nobody there calls me Jessica. Every time they’ll be like: “Oh look, that’s the girl who always gets up at FOUR THIRTY! Come here, four-thirty!” And a lot of my parents’ friends will describe me as “self-disciplined” since I always bring a book with me when attending parties or having big meals. However, the truth is that I’m just so introverted and afraid of socializing with strangers, and I know that no one will disturb somebody who is studying. So always bringing a book with me guarantees that the following scenario would not happen: (act) Hey Jessica, you look bored. Got nothing to do? Let’s start a conversation!” (Oh my god this is night mare)
Sorry. Beside the point.
Although not considering myself related to the word “self-discipline” that much, I was actually once a victim of it, which might also be the reason of some of my seemingly “self-disciplinary” habits. So then, it comes to our topic for today: the dark side of overemphasizing self-discipline.
Admittedly, self-discipline is a great merit that enables us to develop new interests and skills, improve our abilities, and save a lot of time. Nevertheless, overly emphasizing it, especially in education, can impose an adverse effect to people, or even lead to serious mental issues such as depression, anxiety, and low self-efficacy. Therefore, I wish to use this special opportunity to share these “potential dangers” and my experiences.
Growing up in a strict family full of “elites”, my childhood was abundant with numerous rules and limitations. In my education, the most emphasized words are like “self-controlling” “delayed gratification” or “self-criticize”. Let’s talk about “delayed gratification” first. Actually, I didn’t get rid of the nightmare this word brought me until last year. You might first have heard of this word in the marshmallow experiment: in the experiment, children were asked to choose whether to eat one marshmallow immediately or to have two of them if they could wait for fifteen minutes——and it turned out that those who were patient enough to wait for a few more minutes and have 2 marshmallows became more successful, well, to some extent, in the future. This is also a story I’ve heard hundreds of times for the past ten years. My mother was really obsessed with practicing “delayed gratification”, which is something she considered as “self-discipline”, so I was always told to “wait” and was never allowed to be satisfied immediately. For instance, I remember that when I was in primary school, and I got a present from my friend, I was extremely excited, and I said “Oh mom I really want to open it right now!”, she was like: “Well, I mean, you can do this. But, remember, only those who can wait for the second marshmallow would succeed in the future. You chose what kind of people you want to be.” So, I’ll have to put this gift away, and open it until an important exam is over, until I finally get a better grade, until I really deserve a reward. It seems that everything I want to do needs a condition——and if there’s no one, I’ll have to create one. The impact of this obsession was so powerful that it nearly developed into a compulsive behavior for me, something I could not stop sticking to even after I grew up. Developing the habit of delaying all the happy moments to an illusory future, I gradually lost the sense of worthiness of all the things I could have enjoyed. It wasn’t until last year, 2023 that I could finally allow myself to unbox the things I bought immediately, to have delicious food or enjoy my interests right at the moment I think of them, and to enjoy my life with complete relaxation.
Well, my point is not blaming or criticizing “delayed gratification”——it can be really helpful and it plays an important role in shaping some of my qualities as well. What I’m trying to emphasize is to practice it in an appropriate way. In clinical Psychology, there is a word called “unconditional positive regard”. (If you had taken Ap Psychology, you probably remember this). In psychological counseling, it means providing patients with blank acceptance and support regardless of what they have done or what they said——agreeing with them without any conditions. Similarly, in education, there is a word called “unconditioned love”, which suggests that it is essential for children to notice their parents love them without any condition, regardless of how good their academic performances are, how many achievements they gain——to make them feel that “My mom and dad always love me. There are no reasons, they just do.” Similarly, unconditional loving ourselves is equally important for our mental health. And this is when you embrace all the small mistakes you make, accept the imperfect yourself, and always allow yourself to enjoy the world and your life——without any conditions.
Besides, another possible problem on the pathway of self-discipline was overly self-control. It is true that self-discipline has a lot to do with control since we tend to force ourselves to eliminate our bad habits and develop beneficial ones. Nevertheless, always controlling ourselves without limits can be harmful as well.
During grade nine, I had a really tight schedule, so I told myself: “Jessica, you have to self-discipline, control yourself. Throw away all these distractions and focus on studying.” To save more time for study, I forced myself to get away from anything I was interested in, including but not limited to writing, drawing, reading novels, or playing games. Every time the desire to “play” or even to “have a rest” comes to my mind, like “Oh I’m so tired, I really want to play some music”, I would brainwash myself quickly: “No, you don’t. Go back to study”. This kind of brainwashing actually worked: constantly repeating this initially false sentence to myself, I would “successfully” lose these impulsive thoughts, and feel like I really don’t want to do it anymore. At that time, when the mere brainwashing didn’t work, I would even flap myself or punch my head to force this kind of desire out of my head——sounds crazy for the current myself as well. Ultimately, I lost interest in all the things I used to love, and even lost the ability to feel excited by anything——which is one of the most typical symptoms of depression as well.
Since we already mentioned “depression”, let’s talk about its intimate partner a bit more——anxiety. Could inappropriate self-discipline lead to anxiety? Definitely yes——right, I’m an example again. Thanks to all the strict rules established during my childhood, I gained pretty well time management skills which have benefited me a lot in different phases of life. Since kindergarten, I was told to make timetables with specific time ranges and corresponding tasks, and I still maintain this habit now. A lot of friends of my family members will praise me for this, like they will write comments under my videos: “Your time management is great. I wish my child is as self-disciplined as you”. And every time I’ll be like “Oh my god, please don’t.” Despite of all these “well organized days” I showed, there’s a problem time-management brought me that I hardly mentioned to anybody before: the difficulty in accepting unexpected things. A really simple example is “getting up late”. The get-up time in my timetable is usually half past four to six o’clock, but of course, there will be accidents. Sometimes I just didn’t hear the sound of my alarm clock, usually because I was dreaming and still in deep sleep. Every time this kind of accident happens, I feel really anxious and furious because the change of the start of my timetable means that all the following plans could not be finished on time. Occupied by annoyance and remorse, sometimes I will just lie down and give up the whole day due to the “imperfect morning” and finish my day in extremely negative mood.
Similarly, all the unexpected, new events added to my schedule can displease me easily. For instance, every time my parents told me “Let’s see a movie together” or “Somebody planned a lunch outside, get dressed”, I would be furious and even shout at them angrily, not because I do not like hanging out or eating with other people, but only since I can’t bear others breaking my plans. Noticing myself being too fragile at accepting changes, I would regret and blame myself for too bad at controlling my emotion, and eventually fall in the endless trap of anxiety.
Another point that could lead to anxiety is paying too much attention to the future instead of the present. The time I had the greatest obsession with planning, I could not fall asleep unless I created a perfect plan for the next day. Besides feeling overwhelmed and stressed out, I wasted a lot of time worrying about things in the far future, about fear that might not ever happen.
Well, you may feel a bit afraid after hearing so far, but keep your mind that the benefits of self-discipline far exceed these potential risks I have mentioned, and you will definitely gain a lot from it as long as you practice it appropriately. So, what are some tips to keep yourself within the “appropriate” zone of self-discipline and find the balance?
The first point I’d like to mention is “self-disciplining selectively”, which is, merely keeping those habits that provide you with more energy or make your life better. Take myself as an example, I still choose to get up early because I love the unique sense of peace I could feel in the early morning, and I know that an efficient morning will make me energetic the whole day. In addition, I insist on doing physical exercises, not because it is a typical symbol of “self-discipline”, but since I could gain a lot of energy from sports. I will gain great sense of achievement when seeing my body shape prettier in the mirror, and building muscle makes me feel more confident and make me stronger——physically and mentally. Contrarily, there are a lot of typical “self-disciplined” things I do not do at all, such as calligraphy, yoga or meditation, and I never force myself wasting time on things I’m totally not interested in or do not consider worthwhile. We only have twenty-four hours a day, and it’s impossible for us to insist on doing all the “beneficial things” in the world. The “best life-style” varies for different people. Hence, it will be wiser to look for habits that are most attractive and effective for you, and you’ll find that you don’t even have to “keep” them deliberately, because love and enthusiasm will motivate you. If something is only consuming you instead of improving you, there’s no need to push yourself to persist.
And, for the second: never use extreme punishment or limitation. For example, if there is an important examination coming up and you wish to allocate more time to it, you can control the frequency and time of playing games or getting rests, instead of totally forbidding yourself from relaxing. To be specific, if you used to play video games every day, you can decrease the frequency to once a week, or serve it as a reward for focusing on studying for a period of time. Do not use extremely cruel tactics to make yourself hate the things you used to love and do not take the risk of totally eliminating your passion. Make sure that you keep some of your interests because they are what to provide you with the ceaseless energy when you’re confronted with all the pressure and difficulties in your life.
Additionally, practice self-compassion more frequently, and speak kindly to yourself. Especially in our traditional culture, a lot of us may consider “self-compassion” something shameful and harmful, while self-criticism is what we really need. However, from the psychological perspective, it is actually kind of the opposite——too much self-criticizing can lead to serious mental problems and low self-esteem, while self-compassion helps us maintain a good mood and stay confident. To be self-compassionate, just tell yourself to “take it easy”. When you get up late sporadically, just serve it as an opportunity to get a rest and reorganize your day; When you accidentally make some mistakes, try to compassionate yourself instead of criticizing and reflecting on all the wrong things you have done. Remember to be kind to yourself , act like a true friend who wants to see your progress, instead of someone so strict and only use punishment to change your behaviors.
Finally, what I want to say is, set more realistic goals and lower your expectation. There is a sentence I really like: Low expectations, High hopes. While maintaining our dreams and huge goals so as to keep energized, it will be wise to prepare for undesirable results in advance, so you won’t feel too anxious facing unexpected failure. Be less strict with yourself——any single unsatisfactory event can’t be powerful enough to ruin your whole life. There will always be a turning point as long as you believe in yourself and keep going.
That’s all for today. Thanks for your listening.